It was me, just so you know.
I just thought it would make you smile.

Nothing takes the taste from peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
Except maybe being on both ends of it.
At the exact same time.

Amid all the noise and chaos I can barely breathe, let alone hear myself think. There is no rest.
No night here.
No calm.
No relief.

If hell were real it would be the pain behind my temples.

And so it burns. and burn it shall.

if only i could go back, draw on some of the hatred I used to possess.

but it's not there.

it was replaced by peace.

and now the peace is replaced by aching.

and as much as i try to replace the aching with hatred, i can't find it.

I can't find the will to hate.

If you ran like your mouth...

It will never cease to amaze me how insensitive people can be.

How someone can be so far up their own ass as to not realize the repercussions of their actions or statements on another human being.

To not realize that not everything is about them, nor will it ever be.

To think that getting the last word in is winning.

To think that everything is a battle.

To think that they are the most important thing in the world.

To degrade and disrespect your thoughts and opinions, to discard them, because they do not match your own.


I will never get over the ignorance of some people.

The inability to ever move on past the tenth grade rationale and mentality.

To need attention so badly that they cry out for it by intentionally hurting other people. And then they wonder why their friendships are fake and they get talked about and no one ever sticks around.


You're doing it to yourself, girls.

The most important rule in life is to treat others the way that you want to be treated. You learn this rule in kindergarten. It shouldn't take 20 years to sink in. It's disgraceful that it all so often does.

I'm not excluding myself from this, because I have acted the same way. The only difference is that I was in highschool when I did. I was a child. It is not acceptable for adults to act this way.

And maybe that's the problem. Is that most of you have never had the chance to be an adult. Most of my growing up has happened in the past year, when i was on my own, hungry, without a place to sleep some nights. It taught me a whole lot about responsibility, respect, and initiative. And I'm sure if that year had been spent pulling from mommy and daddy's pocketbook while i lived in a fishbowl, I wouldn't have changed a bit. So maybe that is where the issue is.


When you have such a warped perspective as to think that something that you didn't work for, that you didn't work to attain, makes you better than someone who doesn't have it, then you are in for a suprise. Because that is not how life works. It is not how the world works. Real pride comes from hard work, honesty, and integrity.
And if you don't have any of those things, then what kind of person are you, really?
So grow up.

It's time to put your big girl panties .. having cat fights.

There are more mature ways to solve problems then threats or violence. When someone tries to speak with you to solve a problem, listen. Put your anger aside.

And don't terrorize innocent people just to make you feel better about yourself.

If you hate yourself that much then, here's a revolutionary concept, CHANGE IT. Make yourself a better person. And don't use your past experiences as an excuse. That's unacceptable. We have all been through hardships, we have all expierienced pain. You have to get up .. on and be a better person for it. Don't let things weaken who you are or your moral fiber. Learn from them, don't make the same mistakes again. Get out of denial and on the change train. Just, for god sakes, quit acting like you're in highschool, because it is getting extremely frustrating.

We got a shiver that reduces us to meaningless waste.
we got these arms that hold.
we got these teeth that don't leave marks, and baby we got these mouths.
we've got some useless metaphor to sum up what we got.

insert sexy commentary here.
insert exchanges of photos.
insert rendezvous.

deny, deny, deny.

insert some lame excuse.

insert apology.

deny, deny, deny.

as far as he's concerned, we're made for each other.

we're both heartless pieces of shit.

too bad i hate you.

too bad i hate myself.

so when we can't be good for the one we love should we settle for someone just like us?

is that the key to eternal happiness?

I doubt it.

but hey...

next time we're drunk at a party together after everyone else is passed out, including your girlfriend and my fiance, especially if they are five feet away from us, you can count on me to suck your dick.

maybe i'll bring my strap on next time.

but hey, don't want to premeditate.

beautiful things are never good for you.

pretty colors and shiny facades mean poison in even the simplist of creatures.
I am a poison, creeping through your viens, searching for your heart.
now i have it and you are in my throes.
how am i good for you, when i replaced your passions?
when i changed who you are?
I don't want to be this to you.
I don't want these songs to be about me.

fear holds you back as if it were strings tied to every limb.
it weighs you down and makes you too awkward to lift.

you dine with only the finest china, run with only the most prestigious crowds.
you are a sheep, but wearing the finest wool.

you are a backwards character, with excrement spewing forth from your mouth, and words coming from your ass.

with lips like brass and porcelain hands.

nothing can hurt you but yourself.
stop blaming everyone else.
just behave, behave.
react, react.
keep your mouth shut and your eyes open.
learn, learn, learn.
learn as much as you can, stop focusing on yourself.
you don't really hurt.
just behave, behave.

the world is miserable. my life is falling apart.
cliche, cliche.
death has to be better than this.
boring, boring.
i can't handle it anymore.
we've heard it before, we've heard it before.

you're being mundane.

you have to know.

that your teenage angst and frustration are so very passe.

i'll bring you chocolates and peppermints and get well cards.

but i won't feel sorry for you.

because i've been there.

and you don't need people to feel sorry for you.

you need them to tell you that they don't.

so you will finally stop.

i pray that one day i will have the courage to tell you what i really think.
that, one day soon, i will have the strength to accept that i cannot change you.
that i cannot fix you.
that the damage i have done is irreversible, by me, at least.
to accept that you have to make your own mistakes, and learn your own lessons, and find your own will to change.
i pray that i will have the courage to let you go.
to stop staying up at night and worrying about you.
to stop loving you.

nothing.

1. let it go.
2. open your heart.
3. breathe.
4. reach out to others.
5. be sincere.

it's easier than i thought.

So fucking badly do I miss you. It was supposed to go away, It's almost been a year.
But It won't. It won't stop and it won't go away, and it's to complicated to just ignore it, and everyday I am reminded that you don't feel the same way anymore.

I know it's not my city that you've circled.

I can't get you out of my thoughts, every thought, every dream, everything. You are everything you never stopped being everything. And every day his shiny facade fades and shows what's underneath...

and it's wretched.

I can barely breathe, and that's not melodrama. I mean I can't breathe. I have to sleep sitting up and use an inhaler and breathing hurts so bad that I really wish it would just stop. Last night it got really bad and I couldn't take in air, and I just wished so bad that you were holding my hand.

I'll get better, it's nothing critical, I just wish you were here. Just in case. I just wish that you loved me still. So badly.

But I understand why you can't.

No I don't.

I'm lying.

Explain it to me.

I have bronchitis. It sucks. I also have an ear infection, and a really bad sinus infection.

My job has a policy that you have to call off 4 hours before you are scheduled.

I was scheduled at 6 am.

I had to call in at 2 am.

No one answered.

I slept through my show up time, and no one knew why, because no one checked thier voicemail.

Is this my fault? No.

Will awp find a way to make this my fault? Probably.

I love my job.

I have this image that's burning it's way through my soul, and I can't get it to stop hurting. It's something that I saw, felt, tasted, breathed, encouraged. And now its a memory that burdens me.

I don't know why I let it happen, made it happen. I guess I didn't think it would hurt. It shouldn't hurt, that's not like me. But, what am I anymore? I have no sense of who I am, or what my comfort level is. For some reason, everything has changed. I have guilt and I don't know why. I'm going to say maturity, cause I know it can't be him. Well, it could be. But I don't want to admit it.
Seeing his lips and the places they were makes me ill.


My life has become very, very funny.

Every once in a while, you'll come across a great love. A life-altering, earth shaking, mountain moving love. In this aspect, I have been very lucky. I've had two of these great loves already in my life so far. I'm terrified because I am on the brink of a third, and am still dealing with the loss of the second. I'm scared, because I've already made some of the same mistakes, or "choices," as he puts it. And I'm really, really scared. I'm scared of hurting someone, I'm scared of getting hurt. I think that when everything is said and done, all you are left with is pain.
Ugh. I don't know. It's taken me over four hours just to compose what I have written thus far. This is very difficult to comprehend for me, and even harder to put into words.
Basically, the point of what I'm trying to say is this...
I am at a cross road in my life. I don't know which road to take. Either one could be good or turn out horribly. I'm not sure how to wiegh the risks versus the benefit. I guess I'm just going to jump. Hope someone catches me. It's time to turn a page, or, burn the book.
Should I love another? Give up altogether? Disappear? Come clean?
If I let my feelings take me where they are taking me, and I make the choice to let go of the things that are holding me back, I'm going to end up getting married. I'm not sure if I want that.
But I'm not sure that I don't want that, either.
Ugh.

I have a lot of soul searching ahead of me. I think I'm going to just lay low for a while, and figure things out.

A. I am watching a bootleg copy of the strangers.
B. It has spanish subtitles.
C. Every time something scary happens a bunch of mexicans scream.
D. My car is broken down.
E. I can't find a job, nor get to it (see above.)
F. I want to have sex with a girl.
G. So does my boyfriend.
H. I can't find one.
I. Neither can he.
J. I have flea bites, and there is no dog.
K. The last time I heard from my best friend, he was dealing with a heroin addiction.
L. That was two months ago.
M. He's probably dead.
N. If that's the case, I'm going to become a vigilante drug dealer murderer.
O. No I won't. I couldn't kill someone.
P. I'm to big of a pussy to kill someone. (See above.)
Q. I am almost homeless.
R. I am hungry. (see above.)
S. I think my boyfriend has dick cancer.
T. It doesn't really work that well. (see above.)
U. There are lumps. (see above.)
V. I have this really bad bee sting+bug bite on my foot. (see J.)
W. I got stung by a bee yesterday. (see above.)
X. I didn't die.
Y. I'm putting that on a list of negatives.
Z. I have an alphabet full of things that suck, and am not even done.

Our story needs no prologue. No preamble. It pretty much speaks for itself. Yet… I find myself writing one. As if we need explanation. As if this is for anyone other than you. Just so you know, it was always for you. Everything, everything I ever did or said or thought or felt… it was all for you. It always has been and it always will be. Even in your absence, everything I do is for you. I’m building your fucking house.
I have these hives now. I have this panic now. I have this fear that I never used to have. I’ve always been fearless, and you know this. But now I have this overwhelming fear of the future. Before, everything was certain.
Sometimes I can’t tell if you were the best thing that ever happened to me, or my biggest mistake. You were the first to love me the way you did, but you weren’t the last. You weren’t the first to hurt me like you did, and you won’t be the last. But something about you is still spectacular. Something that I can’t let go of, but in a different way.

I remember this dream I had once. It was all you and me and skin and blankets. It was a very long time ago, long before you were the only love I ever knew, long before you were the greatest love I ever lost. I had that dream again last night, but it wasn't you and me. It was you and someone else.

It kills me to say goodbye. I can't do it. But I know that's what's happening. I know how you felt now.

The only difference is that you've really given up, and I never could, no matter how hard I tried.

I wish I could forget your face. Forget how much you mean to me. I wish I could just look back with fond memories instead of with such an ache. But I can't. I can't let go of this, of us.

I want you. More than I have ever wanted anything. And I know it's too late. I waited on the fence too long, and lost you for good.

As soon as I can, I'm disappearing. Off the face of your planet and his planet and you can find me when you're ready.

Please, please find me.

Sarah and I got a cell phone plan together today. Kind of a big deal. The first step in starting our life together. We're stuck with each other for two more years, even if everything goes to shit. I'm sure that it won't. We're too perfect. Made for each other. Through every fight, we always recover. Even for the unforgivable, we forgive. Through the darkest dark, we are each other's light.